I know, I know. I said I didn’t have time for blogging today. But then I did my Esther Bible study last night and I needed to write. To share what just hit my heart like a wall of brick’s. (In the best way possible.)
Growing up, and even recently, I’ve always quietly wished that I lived in another time period. Maybe 50 or 60 years ago. A simpler time. A time where farming, homeschooling, sewing, building things yourself, cooking family meals, and having big families were more commonplace. More normal. I always thought maybe, just maybe, we’d “fit in” a little easier in an earlier time period. My grandma was Amish. I often would wonder what my life would have been like, if she hadn’t left the Amish community and my mother grew up Amish. And I grew up Amish.
Or if I grew up a 50’s housewife. Cute dress, high heels, apron and all. There was always just something alluring about the 50’s and 60’s to me.
I’ve had more than one conversation with God that went something like this:
“God, why am I here, right now, in the 21st century? Why didn’t I live earlier? I would’ve liked it better then. I liked this country’s values better then. I liked the lifestyles better then. Why oh why did you think it would be better to have me here now, rather than earlier? I wish you would have brought me to earth in the 50’s!”
How foolish of me to question why God has me here, now. I know He didn’t make a mistake of when He wanted me here on Earth. Last night, I finally felt like I found my answer to “why now?”
The answer to “And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14. It’s Him. He knows why I am here for such a time as this.
Let me back up a bit, and give you a little background on the book of Esther: Queen Esther has just learned of an edict from King Xerxes (her husband) that all Jews will be killed in a matter of months. Mordecai, Esther’s beloved Uncle who raised her (both Jewish), urged Esther to go to the King to plead that he have mercy on their people. Esther, knowing full well that the penalty for anyone who approaches the King without being summoned is death, unless he has compassion on you, and taking into account that he hadn’t summoned her for thirty days, she relays to Mordecai her worry for her life. Mordecai responds that if she doesn’t do anything, she will not escape the edict just because she lives in the King’s house; her and her family will also perish. If she does go to the King to plead for mercy, she may die, but she also may receive favor from the King. Mordecai tells her,
“Who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”
Such a time as this. Beth Moore paints this picture in her study, of Mordecai and Esther’s conversation (if you are unfamiliar with the story of Esther, bear with me):
“Esther, what if you were born for this very moment? Think of how unlikely your position is! What about all the events that led to your queenship! Why on earth did we stay here and not go to Jerusalem when we could? Why was Vashti (the Queen prior to Esther) disposed? Why were you the exact right age at the exact right time to be chosen for harem? Why, amid so many girls, were the eunuchs so partial to you? Why did they go out of their way to help you? More astonishingly, why did the king have such favor on you? Why didn’t he just make you one of his concubines? What in the world made him marry you and set the crown on your head? Esther! Open your eyes! Why is a Jewish woman the Queen of Persia at such a time as this? Must it not be providence? Must it not be God?”
And that’s where it hit me. Must it not be God.
Beth Moore went on to say:
“You have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, ‘for such a time as this’. Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is ‘a time to be born and a time to die’. God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now.“
I love that. God wants me here. Right here, right now. HE cut out the time-frame for me on the calendar. He didn’t make a mistake. He has me here doing what I’m doing at this time in life, because He planned it that way. He wanted me born in 1986. And He wanted me still here and alive today in 2012.
I always wanted a testimony. One like you hear in high school youth group. Stories of drug addicts and alcoholics and prostitutes having an incredible encounter with God and then turning their life around and living radically for Him. Not that I wanted any of those things in my own life: drugs, alcoholism or prostitution. But I wanted something more exciting than, “Oh hey, I grew up Christian. And here I am today!” I wanted something that spoke to other people, that resonated with them. That they could see the power of God just dripping off of my life’s testimony. That they would know that my life wouldn’t have turned around by anything except the grace of God.
I remember as my ex-husband and I were beginning to take the path towards divorce. I remember pleading with him to not leave me. I remember excitedly telling him, out of desperation, that we could have a great testimony if we stayed together. That people would know it was only by the grace of God that we were still together.
I remember being devastated as we signed the divorce paperwork, the great-testimony fantasy being crushed right before me. And then, sometime in the year between my divorce and meeting Skyler, I remember realizing that my entire life is a testimony for God, no matter how “dull” or how many “lost opportunities” for testimony that I saw in my own life. God saw bigger. God saw better than I could ever have.
I didn’t fall apart in a big old mess after my divorce. That was testimony to God’s grace and compassion. I didn’t commit suicide, as I had contemplated shortly before my divorce. That was testimony to God’s goodness and love for me. I met Skyler, the man I know without doubt, was the man God designed to be my husband. That was testimony to God’s perfect plan. I gave birth to an incredible, joyful son. That was testimony that God blesses those who seek Him.
Slowly, I’m realizing that I do have a testimony. I do have a purpose, a plan. And what better time to have my testimony unfold before my eyes, than right now. Right now, on God’s calendar. Not mine. I think I like it better than way, anyways. 🙂