I thought about you last night, as I often do think about you, even in my busyness. I was putting the finishing touches on our beautiful Christmas tree and thought, “there. Now I’m ready. Go ahead baby, you can come now.” And I had to hold back tears, even just at that thought.
The birth pool was delivered a couple of weeks ago and your daddy promptly filled it with air and stored it in the garage. I picked up the birth kit yesterday, full of medical supplies. All of the neutral newborn clothes that I have are washed and put away in drawers (don’t worry; if it’s you, sweet Ellery girl, we will go buy some pink and purple things to throw in the mix!). Your aunt Krista is coming over today to help me put together some freezer meals. Our house is ready for you.
In some ways, it has felt like such a long long time that I have been pregnant and carrying you already. When I think back to April when daddy and I found out we were expecting you, it feels like ages ago. My body has slowly grown along with you and I feel that I certainly cannot get much bigger now! It’s been a different pregnancy than I had with your big brother, which I only expected as everyone always says each pregnancy is different. I’ve had more nausea and it continues still, I’ve vomited several times, and I’m carrying you much much lower which brings different changes in itself. I have much more of a waddle this time around (because of how low you are) and my nerves in my hips frequently go out. I spent the other day crawling around the house for a while because I just could not hold my weight up to walk. I’ve had frequent heartburn, just like I did with your big brother, but this time it started way sooner – around 16 weeks instead of around the 30’s like with Ezekiel. It feels like forever since my body has been “normal”, but I know that’s coming to an end soon.
Daddy and I laid in bed for a long while last night and just talked about “can you believe?!”
“Can you believe you have another baby in there?!”
“Can you believe that in a few weeks this baby will be here?”
Silence, as daddy carefully puts his hand on my belly and feels for you.
“We’re going to be a family of four. Can you believe it?”
I thought that with a second pregnancy, it would be easier to “believe” that there would actually be a baby joining our family. But, this time seems no different. It’s still hard to “believe”, no matter how big I get, how much I feel you squirming around, no matter how many times I hear your perfect heartbeat. After last night, really just laying there and dwelling on you and your precious little life, I think we are finally believing it. We’re finally wrapping our minds around it.
We laid there and talked about what your personality might be. If you might be at all like your older brother, or how completely different you might be. What funny things you’ll do that make us laugh and will bring us joy. Your eyes twinkling with wonder as daddy or I do something that you think is amusing. The little walk you might have as you strut off. Whichever way you are, we cannot wait and already feel blessed to have been given you.
I may not have had as much time to lay around and just dwell on you throughout this pregnancy, as I did with your brother, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you all day, every day. I think about you as your daddy comes up, presses his lips up to my belly and greets you, “hello baby! I love you!” I think about you as your brother follows suit by pressing his face up against my belly and says hello to you, or his favorite thing, sings “Baby” by Justin Bieber to you. I think about you as I move slower, have pains or feel myself waddle around. I think about you as you move and make my belly bulge in different places. I think about you as I play in your brother’s room with him and gaze around, wondering what it will be like when you join us in there for play time. I think about you as I clean and fold your laundry; as I washed and put away your adorable little small sized gDiapers. Ezekiel sat on my bed with me as I folded all your laundry and I couldn’t help but hold up almost every single little shirt and pants and tell him, “Zeek, this is for your little brother or little sister! You used to wear this, look how little you were!”
I may not have been able to just lay on the couch, watch you move in my belly and just soak in the time in a quiet household. But I’ve thought of you. I’ve waited for you. I’ve prayed for you. I’ve loved you and giggled over the thought of you. I’ve prepared for you as best as I can. I’m not sure I can ever prepare my heart for the great amount of love I will have for you, the second I lay eyes on you, but I’ve thought about you and that moment. I cannot wait to see you, little one.
Whenever you’re ready, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
So come on out and join us.